


Deadpool: First Class

by AmorDamozel



Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, X-Men (Movieverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Darwin lives!, First Class AU, Gen, Other characters show up but I tagged those I think have the biggest roles, Potential OOC-ness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-22
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-03 01:55:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24326881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AmorDamozel/pseuds/AmorDamozel
Summary: Have you ever watched X-men First Class and thought 'Hmm, this would be better with Deadpool'?No? Well, I wrote this anyways.It's not a complete rewrite, Wade doesn't participate in the big fight at the end and whatnot.But, Wade exists and does stuff. It's interesting.
Kudos: 4





	Deadpool: First Class

**Author's Note:**

> There's not much reason for this beyond 'I wanted to'. Like, no real cohesive story. Timeline might seem a bit muddled, but, just don't think too hard and it should be fine.
> 
> Also, the guy who gets the team together + MacTaggert? Like the CIA guy? He doesn't have a name? Not one I could find at least. And I've gone over this once, so, sorry for any spelling mistakes, comment any that bug you.
> 
> Wade is Weapon 11 but not like... Origins Weapons 11. He's just works with the government. Normal Deadpool.
> 
> **[Yellow]**  
>  {White}

A small group was huddled outside the C.I.A. base Division X was calling their home. Around them was a military caravan, one of the trucks was parked right in front of them. 

“I talked to a friend in the Canadian military about what was happening, and you know, getting help, and he talked to some friends of his own and-”

“Now there’s a Canadian military caravan outside a CIA base?” Agent MacTaggert interrupts.

The man in black, who hadn’t deigned to share his name with any of them, nods and continues, “For Weapon XI. They say it’s incredibly dangerous. And needs this much fanfare.”

“What could it be?”

“Well, you’re the telepath,” Erik remarks.

Charles shakes his head, “All I’m getting is fear. Which is not comforting. They’re terrified of what’s in the truck in front of us, but I don’t know what it is.”

Before anyone else could comment, a couple of soldiers get out of the truck and walk over to the quartet.

“Sorry about the wait, we need you to sign for it.” One of the men states, holding out a pen and a clipboard.

“What is it?” Agent MacTaggert asks as the Man in Black signs where indicated.

“Something to help you with your war on mutants.” 

“It’s not a war on mutants. We’re stopping some mutants who want to start a Nuclear War.” Agent MacTaggert corrects.

“Whatever you say sweetheart.” The soldier checks over the paperwork before going to the back of the truck and assisting the other soldier in opening it and pulling out what looked to be a large metal crate. “Here are the keys. Call us when you’re done.” With that, the Canadians leave.

“Erik, would you mind?” Charles asks, gesturing to the crate they really had no way of taking inside the base unless Erik floated it there. Erik didn’t respond but the crate starts floating and leads the way inside to an unused room. Agent MacTaggert and Charles follow Erik and the crate into the room.

“So, should we open it?” Agent MacTaggert asks, holding out the key ring the Canadians had given her.

“That’s a lot of keys.” Charles comments.

“At least it’s well secured?” Agent MacTaggert offers, walking forward and opening the crate with one of them, upon flipping open the lid, MacTaggert screams. Which prompts Erik and Charles to look in and see a man. “Get him out!” The three quickly try to pull him out but find he’s chained to the inside of the crate. 

“Are you serious?” Charles mutters as MacTaggert quickly pulls keys off the keyring and hands them off to the boys, working on the restraints with the keys she has while they work on the restraints with the keys they were given.

Soon enough, the man was out of the crate, muzzled but in a chair rather than a crate. So, an improvement. It allowed them to get a better look at him. He was bald and covered in scars, and most likely a teenager. Or an unfortunately young-looking adult.

“Who has the muzzle key?” MacTaggert demands.

“Sorry,” Charles quickly says, upon realizing he has it and quickly pulls off the muzzle. Mere seconds after he does, the man’s eyes open up, quickly flitting about, taking in as much information as possible.

“Are you, weapon XI?” MacTaggert asks hesitantly.

“Hey, you’re right, he _does_ have hair.” The man says, looking directly at Charles. Seemingly ignoring MacTaggert’s question.

“Why-Why would I not have hair?”

“You normally don’t.” The man says with a shrug,as if that explained everything.

All it did was make Charles more confused, “We’ve never met before. And I have always had hair,” Charles pauses, “bar that month when I was 15 and Raven shaved my head.”

“Well, you’re also normally older. Like, grandpa age.” The man looks over at Erik, “You too. And I think you’re married.”

“To who?” Erik looked confused, everyone was confused.

“Chuck. But that might just be a popular opinion.” The man shrugs, “Don’t know, never really been relevant to my interests. Where am I?” The man asks, standing up and walking over to the crate they had pulled him out of.

“A CIA base in America. We were told we’d be getting a weapon, but all that was in the crate was you.” MacTaggert states, implying the question she had asked earlier.

The man leans into the crate and pulls two things out, snapping one onto his wrist and attaching the other to his belt. He fiddles with the one on his wrist a bit and his appearance changes. Gone are the scars and baldness, replaced by smooth pale skin and blonde hair. 

“How did you-”

“I think they’re calling me Weapon 11, but they don’t really say that stuff around me.” The man interrupts, turning back to face them.

“What’s your name? How are you a weapon?”

“Wade Winston Wilson, I think. I’m a weapon because I was part of the Weapon X program. It was a program the Canadian Government created for terminally ill citizens for experimentation. It’s main purpose, to my knowledge, is to force a mutation. Or, if someone already has a mutation, take their blood and inject it into someone else and see if they can adapt that mutation into their own body.” Wade shrugs, “I don’t know. Things change, Times move, no one can decide on a backstory which is really annoying, or they retcon everything to shit. Last time I remember being called Weapon 11 I had heat vision, katanas coming out of my arms, and my mouth was sewn shut. Now I have no idea where we’re going with this or why I’m even _alive_ in the sixties much less already mutated. It’s just a weird way to go. Why the sixties when I already have a bunch of lives going in the 21st century?”

“Was the mutation you were gifted clairvoyance?” Charles asks.

“No.”

The three wait for Wade to elaborate, but Erik tires of waiting first, “So what was it?”

“Inabilty to die. I am immortal. Nothing can kill me, not even a concentration nuclear blast or getting dropped into a Volcano. They tried both of those things. Also, doesn’t me being part of Weapon X deliberately fuck up this timeline since apparently the American Government doesn’t know about Mutants and so there wouldn’t be a Weapon X program?”

“You’re Canadian.”

“Doesn’t make that much of a difference. Somehow I ended up working for Americans.” Wade shrugs.

“Hold on, if you’re not clairvoyant, how come you talk as if you know the future?”

“Because this is the past?”

“This is the present.”

“No. This is the past. This has already happened.”

“So you know what’s going to happen next.”

“No. My brain is swiss cheese, don’t remember anything.”

“But you know our future.”

“Kind of? You’re a bald grandpa, you’re also a grandpa and I’m pretty sure you don’t like me.”

“Can’t imagine why.” Erik remarks.

“How did you do that? Change your appearance?”

Wade holds up the thing on his wrist, it looks like a watch. “Disguisifier. Changes my appearance to what it was before the experiments. Great for undercover shit, makes me completely unremarkable. Also, makes it easier to escape from the feds.” Wade shrugs. “My friend Weasel made it.”

“Your friend must be a genius.”

Wade shrugs, “He’s okay. So, weapon, me, where ya pointing?”

“Sebastian Shaw, but not yet. We’re working things out. Uh, actually we got together some mutants, why don’t you go join them? Get to know the team you’ll be working with.” MacTaggert suggests.

“We never work with a team.” Wade states after a pause.

“We?”

“Uh, voices. In my head. They don’t normally put me with teams. Handlers, yes. Teams, no.”

“Well, we have a team for you to work with, why don’t you come with me?” MacTaggert offers. Wade nods and follows her out of the room.

Charles sits down, examining the muzzle in his hands, the one he pulled off of Wade.

“What’s so interesting about that mask?”

“It has a hermetic seal.”

Erik’s brows furrow, “What?”

“Airtight. No gases pass through. Wade was asphyxiated. When we pulled him out of the crate, he had been suffocating.” Charles explains.

“That’s-”

“Barbaric. He can’t die, yes, but, in what world is it necessary to suffocate someone like that? Over and over again. How long was he in that box? How long was he dying?”

Erik didn’t really have a response to that.

\---

Moira was nice enough. And when she introduced him to the others, they pulled up a chair and had him sit with the group. Wade wasn’t normally a quiet person. Very much the opposite. Most of the time his bosses would be doing their damndest to get him to shut up. Including pulling out his tongue.

But this had made Wade confused. He wasn’t used to this. He was unrestrained. He had his teleporter and disguisifier without any restrictions. He could run, disappear right now and no one could stop him. But that would never happen. They weren’t that sloppy. No. Something was wrong. And all Wade had to do was wait for the other shoe to drop.

While Moira had introduced him to the group, the group hadn’t introduced themselves. So, Wade was kind of happy when the blonde girl starts going off about codenames.

When she declared herself ‘Mystique’ and showed she could change form into anyone else, Wade was impressed. He grew more impressed as everyone else started introducing themselves and showing off their power. Darwin, Banshee, Angel. All with awesome powers. Powers that if Wade’s bosses ever found them they’d be dissected for sure.

Wade is curious about why one of the other boys is calling another ‘Bigfoot’ but assumes he’ll find out eventually. When prompted to show his own power, he goes out into the courtyard and destroys some of it with weird energy rings.

**[Yeah, we’re not telling them anything about this]**

Wade couldn’t help but agree with Yellow. The newly named ‘Havok’ comes back into the room through the shattered window, “So, Wade, what’s your power?”

“And name!” Mystique adds.

“Uh, it’s kind of a smosh of stuff. I’m not, like you guys. My name is Weapon 11. I’m a government experiment on what happens when you torture someone to an extreme when they have mutant blood coursing through their veins. It wasn’t a fun experiment. For me, at least. I’m sure the scientists had a lot of fun.” Wade explains, and instantly notes the mood coming down from the euphoria of Havok’s powers to Wade explaining his own.

“You were experimented on?” Bigfoot asks.

“Yup. Got diagnosed with terminal cancer when I was fifteen, dad was in the military, so he heard about the project and volunteered me.”

“When was that?” Mystique asks.

Wade shrugs, he really didn’t know, “Three decades ago, or three years ago. Time is a fictitious construct we use to disappoint ourselves and when you’re constantly being tortured telling time becomes a torture in itself. Doesn’t really matter.”

“Wow.”

“So, what powers did you get?”

“I can heal from almost anything, superior reflexes, super strength, durability, stamina, agility blah blah blah.” Wade shrugs, “Run of the mill stuff.”

“That’s not- who have you interacted with where that’s run of the mill?”

Wade shrugs again, he hadn’t really, interacted with anyone. “Dunno. Why are you called ‘Bigfoot’?” Wade asks, that was bugging him.

{He’s definitely not hairy like Bigfoot!}

**[Yeah. So he probably has big feet.]**

“Show off your feet Hank.”

 _ **He’s got big feet.**_ Wade thinks at the same time his voices say so.

**[Mystery solved]**

Wade nods, and focuses on what is happening outside his head because Bigfoot is taking off his shoes and _holy fucking shit_.

{Mystery not solved!}

**[Are thoses hands?]**

“Yup. He has giant hands for feet. Why not call you Gorilla? Oh, wait is someone already called that?” Wade shakes his head,” Not important. But why bigfoot?”

“His feet are giant?” Havok says.

“He has feet for hands! Bigfoot doesn’t have hand feet. Monkeys and Apes have hand-feet.” Wade points out, like 80% sure he’s right.

“I think he has a point, but I don’t know that much about Monkeys and Apes.”

“Okay, so, you’re no longer Bigfoot, you’re- Man Ape.” Banshee declares.

“I don’t think that’s better.” Bigfoot protests, which delves into an argument. Which delves into light chaos, which results in _someone_ hitting Darwin over the head with a chair, which leads to the boys hitting Darwin as hard as they possibly can while Darwin yells at them to hit him harder. Someone turns on music at some point, Bigfoot -as he doesn’t like Man Ape- hangs from the Chandelier and dances while the girls dance right side up.

The fun is cut short by Moira coming upon them and yelling. They got moved to a different room and told to not mess around with their powers anymore.

Despite Wade being a _weapon_ and them going after Shaw _now_ he is left with the mutants for some reason he can’t fathom. Maybe they want him to babysit?

**[We’re definitely not a babysitter]**

{Who would ever trust us to look after a baby?}

“No one. That’s the point.” Wade states, earning him some looks.

“Who’re you talking to?” Angel asks.

“I have two voices in my head. They show up as these boxes around my head, White and Yellow.” Wade explains.

“Oh.”

“Yeah. So they talk and sometimes I talk back.” Wade shrugs.

Angel doesn’t respond, getting distracted by something else. Wade doesn’t mind, he doesn’t want to talk right now.

Wait, _what_?

{Yeah, we’ve been uncharacteristically quiet for a while now.}

**[Maybe our Author doesn’t know how to write us.]**

{Or maybe there’s something wrong with our head! Colonel whats-his-face did threaten to make us quiet.}

**[I thought he meant like, sewing our mouth shut.]**

{Maybe he did brain surgery? Not as obvious as our mouth being sewn shut. We do have to talk sometimes!}

Wade silently observes the mutants around him. Which is very disturbing. Wade is only this silent when he’s contemplating suicide. Again.

**[Maybe we should commit suicide]**

{ Oo! Oo! Let’s destroy our brain so completely it has to completely regenerate! That way, if Colonel Whats-his-face did something to our brain, it’ll be undone!} 

**[That’s not…a stupid plan.]**

Wade is pulled away from the boxes conversation to Bigfoot’s and Mystiques. 

“...done in a couple of days, then we’ll look normal.” Bigfoot was saying.

“Normal?” Wade buts in, moving closer to the pair, “What do you mean normal?” Wade’s question got the attention of the other mutants.

“What is he talking about?”

Bigfoot sighs, “Look, we’re not like you. You all can have normal lives without ever really hiding. I can’t take my shoes off in any semi-public space.”

“And I’m constantly hiding. Wearing skin that’s not my own.” Mystique adds.

“What do you look like naturally?” Angel asks, gentle and curious.

Mystique sighs and turns her body blue and scaley. Surprise and shock clear on everyone’s faces. “Unnatural. Not pretty.” Mystique states.

“Who said that?” Wade asks, “I think you look like a Goddess.”

Mystique scoffs, “Thanks, Wade, but, no one will truly accept me like this.”

Wade shrugs, “Maybe. But if they can’t accept you, then they don’t deserve you. And, that is not ‘Not pretty’. I’m ‘Not pretty.’”

“Wade, you are a jacked 6’2” blond hunk. You are the opposite of not pretty.”

Wade raises an eyebrow and switches off his disguisifier. Everyone immediately flinches back. Banshee throws up. Not the worse reaction Wade has ever had. Wade gestures to himself, “Not pretty,” and then gestures to Mystique, “Fucking gorgeous.” 

“How can you change your appearance?” Mystique asks, changing back into a blond woman.

Wade switches his disguisifier back on, and holds up his wrist. “Disguisifier. Changes my appearance to look normal.” He shrugs, “My friend made it.” Weasel was his friend. Even if they only became friends after Wade threatened him and stole the disguisifier.

“You’re friend must be a genius.”

Wade shrugs, “He’s alright.”

“Could you look like other people? Assuming this is what you looked like before.”

Wade shrugs, “Haven’t tried that. Really, I just use it to not stand out in crowds. Or make people throw up.”

“Sorry.”

Wade shakes his head, “I’ve gotten worse reactions. None immediately come to mind, but you’re not the first person to throw up at the sight of me.”

“That sucks.”

**[Yup.]**

{We’re so ugly we could make a bird cry! And they don’t have tearducts!}

“They don’t?” Wade was confused, that didn’t sound right, but he didn’t know that much about birds.

{I don’t know.}

**[You said- whatever.]**

{I didn’t say whatever!}

**[No. I said that. Because I don’t want to have this conversation.]**

{ You said ‘ you said whatever’. I did not-}

“Shut up!” Wade yells and then realizes everyone is staring at him. “Voices.”

“Did they exist before your torture?”

“I dunno.” Wade shrugs, “Can’t really remember my life before Weapon X. Wait is the experiment even called Weapon X? They don’t have Jamie. Did they have Jamie?”

**[They must’ve! How else could we get a healing factor?]**

{I thought our healing factor was dormant until they nearly killed us and it became active}

**[No. We’re not a mutant. We were mutated.]**

{We were mutated before!}

“We were?” Wade doesn’t remember that.

{Superior reflexes, remember? Bullets can’t hit us!} 

“No that’s luck. And not being able to die.”

**[No. I agree with white. We could dodge bullets before.]**

“I can’t dodge bullets _now_.”

{Because we don’t need to! We can heal up. So how would you know if we dodge bullets now?}

Which made Wade think. “Hey, does anyone want to shoot me?”

“With what?”

Wade pulls out a gun. “This.”

“Why?”

“I wanna see if I can dodge bullets. The boxes insist I can, I don’t think so.” Havok takes the gun from Wade.

“This won’t hurt you, right?” Havok asks, looking hesitant.

“Well. It’ll _hurt_. It won’t kill me or leave any lasting damage,” Wade shrugs.

“I’m going to pass.”

“Yeah, I don’t want to shoot you.”

“Neither do I.”

“No.”

“Not happening.”

“Nope.”

**[Well, they all suck]**

{Yeah! Who doesn’t want to shoot us?} 

**[Everyone wants to shoot us]**

Wade takes the gun back and holsters it. “Fine.”

“Maybe Agent MacTaggert would be willing to shoot you.” Mystique offers.

“Maybe.” Wade concedes, not believing it. The way she screamed when the crate opened gave Wade the inclination that she would not shoot him.

“Oh look! The Freak show is in town!” Someone says. Some agent on the other side of the window into the courtyard. There’s another one with him.

“Come on, honey, give us a little demonstration.” The other agent says, probably to Angel if Wade reads his gaze and direction right. Bigfoot gets up and closes the curtains, ignoring the Agent’s heckles.

“Just guys being stupid.” Mystique says, putting a hand on Angel’s shoulder.

“Guys being stupid I can handle.” Angel was vaguely pissed off. “I’ve dealt with that my whole life. But I’d rather guys be staring at me with my clothes off than the way the guys here stare at me.”

Wade was about to make a remark when a loud thud sounds somewhere outside. It sounded oddly familiar.

**[That was definitely a body]**

{A dead body? Or just a body?} 

“More importantly, from what height?” Wade asks.

“What?”

**[Well, it’s a thud. Not a splat]**

{So it can’t be that high. But it’s probably high enough to kill} 

“Well there’s not one height that’ll kill everyone.”

“Kill?”

**[At least 50 ft probably. Maybe 100.]**

{At what height do we pancake? And don’t you mean 30 meters?} 

**[We’re in America. Use the Imps dumbass.]**

“Off Topic~” Wade singsongs. “Someone is dropping people from very high up and killing them. Or severely injuring them.” Wade explains to the group.

“What?” Mystique asks as Bigfoot opens the curtains. Just in time too, for a man to land on the sidewalk outside the window, causing everyone but Wade to scream.

“See?” Wade shrugs when he gets some horrified looks.

**[We should get our weapons]**

{Yeah, we only have one gun.} 

“Oh yeah.” Wade had forgotten about that, “I’m going to get some weapons, stay safe!” Wade says before leaving the room and teleporting to the room his crate was in. Wade pulls his Katanas out, strapping them to his back, grabbing his guns and some knives. Wade was about to teleport back to the hallway outside the rec room the other Mutants were in when he heard a lot of gunfire. Wade walks toward the sound, and peaks out to see a man in the center of a room getting shot at and not flinching.

**[Is that Kevin Bacon?]**

{Kevin Bacon’s a mutant?} 

“Woah,” Wade says and then starts swearing when someone launches a _rocket_ (or something like that) at Kevin Bacon. But he’s not injured. In fact, he seems to absorb it. 

**[Oh fuck]**

{Not good. And he’s after the Mutants.} 

“Great.” Wade mutters and teleports right to the rec room. The mutants were all on the floor, Darwin covering them.

“What the fuck.” One of them cries, to what, Wade’s not entirely sure.

**[Us or the guy killing people outside?]**

{Hey, the window’s gone}

**[Only one. The other one is still there.]**

{Holy shit! There’s a tornado out there!} 

“Not important.” Wade immediately dismisses, “Bad mutant coming here, now.”

“Teleport us away.”

“Teleporter has a 50-50 success rate. It fails, you all die.” It didn’t matter for Wade, because, hello, can’t die. But he didn’t like taking other people through the teleporter unless they were going to die regardless.

“Well we need to go, _now_.” Darwin says, moving toward the door.

“Bad mutant is coming through there. We’re trapped, which was probably their plan.”

“So how do we escape?” Mystique asks.

“Kill our way out?” Wade suggests.

[It’s what we’d do]

Given the look of ‘what the fuck’ they all give him, that is not a viable strategy.

“Vents?” Banshee suggests.

“Most ventilation ducts aren’t big enough for a human to get through.” Wade refutes. 

“So what do we do? Any ideas?”

“Uh, hope they don’t kill us?” Wade suggests, if they don’t want to kill their way out they probably don’t want to fight their way out. They might not even know how to fight. Honestly they all look pretty scared, a couple of them are crying. 

{This isn’t their normal life}

**[They’d have to learn sometime. Especially if they were going to be used against Shaw. Death is inevitable]**

“Doesn’t mean they have to be okay with killing.” Wade mutters, just as a man is thrown through the other window. The others scream, Wade looks over to see a man in a gray suit walking toward them, and the tornado gone.

**[Not good.]**

“Get behind me,” Wade orders moving everyone, and drawing his Katanas. The other man who had been killing people with knives, and is _red_ Wade notes, comes in the other window, effectively trapping them. More so than before. There are some gunshots on the otherside of the door, and then, some dickhead says.

“You want the mutants? They’re right through that door. Just let us normal people go.” Wade rolls his eyes.

{So dead}

**[If Kevin Bacon doesn’t kill him, we will]**

Kevin Bacon comes in the room quietly, and asks, “Where’s the telepath?”

The red guy answers, “Not here.”

“Too bad. At least I can take this silly thing off.” Kevin Bacon says, pulling off his helmet. After fluffing his hair, he addresses the mutants, “Good evening, my name is Sebastian Shaw,” Wade tenses when he starts walking forward, his weapons would be useless against him. “I am not here to hurt you, so you can put down those knives.” Wade doesn’t.

“You killed a bunch of people, Kevvy, I don’t trust you.” Wade says, clearly giving Shaw pause. Why, Wade’s not entirely sure, but it’s not surprising.

{But are we effective against him?} 

**[He absorbed the bullets and rocket or grenade or whatever that fire thing was.]**

{Yeah! So, how do we kill him?}

“How does he redistribute it?” Wade asks, interrupting Shaw.

“Excuse me?” Wade ignores him.

{Oooo, good question. How?} 

**[We haven’t seen him fight. But that’s not the question. The question is, how to fight him and not get our attacks absorbed.]**

{Well, bullets and stuff move really fast. Maybe going slow is the answer?}

Wade moves his katana slowly, and pokes Shaw in the face, making him bleed. 

“What are you doing?” Shaw asks, perfectly calm, despite his two friends being clearly tense and ready to attack.

“Figuring out how to kill you. You absorb fast moving objects and attacks, but don’t absorb slow moving attacks,” Wade brings his katana back to him, Shaw’s blood on it, “as evident by you bleeding with a gentle poke from a very sharp sword.”

“Or maybe I just chose not to.” Shaw counters, so Wade moves quickly, putting his sword right beside Shaw’s neck and stopping all motion just as quickly as it started, and slowly moving the sword toward Shaw’s neck. It doesn’t make it, red guy grabs Wade and teleports him into the sky, letting him drop from about 50ft.

 _’Ow.’_ Wade thinks when he hits the ground, not too far from the room the mutants were in. Wade sees Angel, Kevin Bacon, and gray suit guy step through the window and into the courtyard. They go towards the red guy and stand together. Side by side.

**[Are they holding hands?]**

{We’re too far away to tell!}

Wade gets up, more or less fully healed, and starts creeping toward them. 

Darwin comes out of the window and Kevin Bacon walks toward him, talking. Wade doesn’t really care what they’re saying, more focused on if he can kill Shaw. And then, Darwin shouts, “Alex! Do it!”

Wade’s not entirely sure who ‘Alex’ is, until some red rings come into the courtyard. Darwin covers Angel, but Kevin Bacon, predictably, absorbs the rings. And it doesn’t take a genius to know Kevin Bacon is not going to be happy with Darwin. Darwin might adapt to survive, but there are things that are impossible to adapt to. Who knows what Kevin Bacon can do.

**[Time to see if that disguisifier can turn us into other people]**

Wade fiddles for a second before, thankfully, becoming a carbon copy of Darwin. Kind of creepy, but whatever. Red guy pulls Angel away from Darwin and very threateningly points a knife at Darwin. With his attention on Darwin, Wade can’t very well pull a switcheroo, so, distraction.

And by ‘distraction’ Wade means chucking a bomb at one wall of the courtyard and making everyone look over there as he quickly attaches the teleporter to Darwin and sends him away from the courtyard. Wade takes his place, and does a stupid thing Darwin probably would, and attack Kevin Bacon. Which works out about as well as expected. He blocks and then shoves _something_ into Wade/Darwin’s mouth. It feels like a really hot chimichanga. If that chimichanga was the temperature of the sun. Wade falls to his knees as Kevin Bacon teleports away with the others. 

{Why did we do this?! We’re burning from the inside out!}

Wade’s world goes black, which typically means he died.

\----

When Wade wakes up, he’s not in the courtyard. He honestly doesn’t know where he is. 

**[Our body got moved, I guess.]**

{Couldn’t they have left us by a sign?!}

“Wade!” Darwin calls, rushing over. 

**[We woke up by where we left Darwin. Convenient.]**

“Oh good, that didn’t kill you.” Wade says, taking his teleporter back.

“It tried. I would’ve been fine.” Darwin insists. Which is stupid. It’s over and done with.

“He shoved pure energy into my mouth. I have been dropped into Volcanoes, been dusted by a nuclear blast, and that was _nothing_ compared to whatever Kevy did. You can’t test the limitations of your mutation because if you do you’ll probably die. But, take my advice, you can’t survive whatever energy shit Kevy does.”

“Kevy?”

**[Shaw.]**

“Shaw. Look, uh,” Wade looks at his teleporter to get their location before pointing west, “head back to the base, they’ll be missing you.”

“You’re not coming?”

Wade shakes his head, “Not really my fight. If it’s the end of the world, I’d rather spend it away from the feds and with my friends. _But_ I guess I can give you some advice.”

“Advice?” Darwin didn’t sound so sure.

“Shaw absorbs things with a high energy output. Bullets, exploding grenades, rockets, a fast punch, Havok’s ring thingies. He can redistribute that energy and use it how he likes, I think. You have to turtle fight him.”

“Turtle fight?”

“Yeah.” With that, Wade teleports away, to Weasel’s bar.

\----

“No avenging necessary.” Darwin says, coming up on the group. As much as he appreciates Erik wanting to, not necessary.

“Darwin!” Raven shouts, and suddenly Darwin’s in the middle of a group hug.

“I was gone a night. Wade teleported me pretty far away.” Darwin shrugs as they pull out of the hug.

“I saw you turn to dust.” Alex says, sounding shell-shocked.

“Not me. Wade teleported me away, and I guess took my place.” Darwin explains, to his friends and then turns to Agent MacTaggert, “He also bolted, by the way. Said this wasn’t his fight, and he’d rather spend the end of the world with his friends away from the feds.”

“Great. We lost our Canadian weapon.” Erik remarks dryly. Charles rolls his eyes.

“He did give me some advice though.”

“Oh? Anything useful?”

“Shaw absorbs high energy things. He can redistribute that energy as he pleases. So, to fight him and win, you have to move slowly. Turtle fight him.”

“ ‘Turtle fight him’ is a direct Wade quote, isn’t it?” Raven asks, smirking.

“Yep.”

\----

“Would you look at that,” Weasel says, watching the TV. Amatuer film of a submarine being lifted into the air, and missiles stopping midair and doubling back playing on the TV.

“Mutants.” Wade shrugs.

“The ones you were with?”

“Probably. Probably Magneto doing that stuff.”

“ _Magneto_? What, did his parents hate him?” Weasel asks.

Wade rolls his eyes, “No, it’s a codename. They all had one.”

“Oh? What was yours?”

“Weapon 11.”

“That’s not a codename Wade. That’s a government designation. Or whatever. What were their codenames?”

“Angel, Havok, Darwin, Mystique, Banshee, Professor X,” Wade shrugs, he never got to hear Bigfoot’s preferred codename.

“They chose them?”

“For the most part.” Some were a group decision. But no one disliked them.

“So, choose your codename. The Undying one. Or something.” 

Wade rolls his eyes and looks up, “Interesting deadpool.” 

“Yeah. Went up shortly after you left last time.” Weasel snorts, “Ya know, someone wanted to put your name on it. I told them it was ridiculous because you can’t die. You’d be the ultimate winner of the deadpool.”

Wade chuckles, “Finally win at something.” Wade remarks, but falls into silence, clearly thinking.

Weasel only let him be for a minute, “You’re too quiet. What’s up?”

“Nothing. I better go, don’t want you getting in trouble.”

“They know you come here.” Weasel says but doesn’t stop Wade from leaving, even though he _definitely_ didn’t pay for his drink.

He gets picked up by the feds less than a block away.

\-----

“Weapon 11 is back in our custody.” Wade could hear someone say outside his room. Behind the two-way mirror, probably. They never fully soundproofed that area.

“Good. I don’t want it disappearing like Frost. Got it?”

“Yes sir. Weapon 11 is going nowhere.”

**[Yeah right]**

{Not happening. But, they can hope.}

**[Only thing they can do]**

“Weapon 11-”

“Deadpool.” Wade interrupts loudly, getting up and walking to the two way glass, knocking a few times. “I can hear you~” He singsongs, and then reiterates, “Call me Deadpool, not weapon 11.”

“Or what?” One of them remarks sarcastically. Wade, in response, breaks the two-way mirror. They could never make one stronger than him. 

“Or I use one of these glass pieces to give you a big smile.” Wade threatens, hopping into the other room and picking up a piece of glass. The alarm is going off, Wade can hear it clear as day, he doesn’t really care.

“We’ll make a note of it in your file.”

“Good.” Wade drops the piece of glass and goes back into his own room. They’re going to move him, obviously. Maybe he can figure out the layout of this building, it’s new to him.

{We’ll be out of here in no time!}

**[Yeah. These people suck. But it wouldn’t be smart to fight our way out right now. We only have glass shards as our weapons.]**

{When have we been smart?}

Wade agreed with White, grabbing a piece of glass off the floor. He would probably fail, but he might not. Why be a good captive? Fuck these guys.

Wade smirks when the door opens and a bunch of men storm in. 

“Drop the glass!” Wade turns to see a bunch of guns pointed at him. 

**[That’ll hurt]**

{Eh. We’ve had worse.}

Wade doesn’t drop the glass.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos are appreciated.
> 
> Also, Wade's advice might be something they already know (I forget and I'm not watching this movie for at _least_ a month) but it wasn't something the mutants he was with knew, so, he gave Darwin the advice anyways.


End file.
